Undelivered speech © Feb 2010 By Don Read In February 2010 we were invited to an event at the cricket club. There were three speeches-by the Mayor of Rushcliffe, a senior police officer and another bloke. I was asked to “reply”. Anticipating three over long and boring speeches I wrote two. The one below and a short paragraph on a postcard. I delivered the postcard version.
This is the long one
Mr Mayor, Lady Mayoress, Honoured Guests.
It is indeed a delight to be here tonight having travelled all the way from the real Lady Bay, that outpost of the Commonwealth which is little known to those who live north of Bassetlaw. Indeed when I mentioned to someone recently that I had come from Lady Bay he asked me to convey his regards to her. The real Lady Bay is that area sandwiched between the A52 and a stretch of waterway, which I cannot name for legal reasons.
We Lady Bayers, and I see one or two here tonight, are indeed a proud race. We declared UDI or (sorry, we became a Unitary Authority) many years ago and I was appointed a corporal in our defence force, colloquially known as Neighbourhood Watch. We do have embassies in several wards over the A 52 and across the water. And it is fair to say that providing you have the correct documentation you are welcome to visit -so long as you don’t stay too long.
From our home on the appropriately named Holme Rd we gaze out on the Hook, an area of common land which is popular with dogs.. Our local forward thinking community association, represented here tonight, has put in a planning application for a landing strip and in the near future LBA (Lady Bay Airlines) will run regular scheduled flight to Keyworth and Bingham, as soon as we take delivery of the propeller. So we look forward to rebuilding cordial relation with foreigners in Edwalton and Gamston.
Our conducted sight seeing tour includes excellent facilities for admiring the magnificent architectural edifice of luxury apartments (or flats as we used to call them) across the waterway. And we daily bow our heads in homage to the Swedish expert on football, a Mr Erickson (whose full name I cannot disclose due to the Data Protection Act), who is rumoured to have lived in the pent house on the right should you wish to wave. If you do you may receive an appropriate response in Swedish.
In conclusion those of you of a certain age- and we are all of a certain age, will recall the olden days when we couldn’t afford stress and we had to make do with worry. A Big Mac was a large raincoat and French Fries were what Chinese people in Paris called a certain insect. Speaking of Paris you will recall the days when people had real names unlike celebrities today named after cars, places and hotels. Paris Hilton –her dad’s hotel, and her latest squeeze, Sir Grantham Travelodge. have been seen together. I envisage attending some movie premiere and meeting the rising star Chrystal Palace accompanied by the Scottish entrepreneur, Lord Hamilton Achedemicals, the well known football result. And when will Austin Healey named after a 50s sports car and Mini Driver make a road movie ? Leicester born Jerry Dorsey became Engelbert Humperdinck and when I typed Engelbert my spellcheck came up with Handlebar. So we might have heard on Top Of The Pops, “And here he is-your friend and his-Handlebar Humperdinck” And all you cyclists would be clinging on to your Engelberts.
Happy daze ! And to prove that I am bi- lingual-Vive la Lady Bay !
Thank you.
This is the long one
Mr Mayor, Lady Mayoress, Honoured Guests.
It is indeed a delight to be here tonight having travelled all the way from the real Lady Bay, that outpost of the Commonwealth which is little known to those who live north of Bassetlaw. Indeed when I mentioned to someone recently that I had come from Lady Bay he asked me to convey his regards to her. The real Lady Bay is that area sandwiched between the A52 and a stretch of waterway, which I cannot name for legal reasons.
We Lady Bayers, and I see one or two here tonight, are indeed a proud race. We declared UDI or (sorry, we became a Unitary Authority) many years ago and I was appointed a corporal in our defence force, colloquially known as Neighbourhood Watch. We do have embassies in several wards over the A 52 and across the water. And it is fair to say that providing you have the correct documentation you are welcome to visit -so long as you don’t stay too long.
From our home on the appropriately named Holme Rd we gaze out on the Hook, an area of common land which is popular with dogs.. Our local forward thinking community association, represented here tonight, has put in a planning application for a landing strip and in the near future LBA (Lady Bay Airlines) will run regular scheduled flight to Keyworth and Bingham, as soon as we take delivery of the propeller. So we look forward to rebuilding cordial relation with foreigners in Edwalton and Gamston.
Our conducted sight seeing tour includes excellent facilities for admiring the magnificent architectural edifice of luxury apartments (or flats as we used to call them) across the waterway. And we daily bow our heads in homage to the Swedish expert on football, a Mr Erickson (whose full name I cannot disclose due to the Data Protection Act), who is rumoured to have lived in the pent house on the right should you wish to wave. If you do you may receive an appropriate response in Swedish.
In conclusion those of you of a certain age- and we are all of a certain age, will recall the olden days when we couldn’t afford stress and we had to make do with worry. A Big Mac was a large raincoat and French Fries were what Chinese people in Paris called a certain insect. Speaking of Paris you will recall the days when people had real names unlike celebrities today named after cars, places and hotels. Paris Hilton –her dad’s hotel, and her latest squeeze, Sir Grantham Travelodge. have been seen together. I envisage attending some movie premiere and meeting the rising star Chrystal Palace accompanied by the Scottish entrepreneur, Lord Hamilton Achedemicals, the well known football result. And when will Austin Healey named after a 50s sports car and Mini Driver make a road movie ? Leicester born Jerry Dorsey became Engelbert Humperdinck and when I typed Engelbert my spellcheck came up with Handlebar. So we might have heard on Top Of The Pops, “And here he is-your friend and his-Handlebar Humperdinck” And all you cyclists would be clinging on to your Engelberts.
Happy daze ! And to prove that I am bi- lingual-Vive la Lady Bay !
Thank you.
