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THELONIOUS MONK  ©  Don Read

Some folk think that Monk played junk

That’s wrong and quite erroneous

He didn’t do hip hop or funk

He simple played Thelonious

BRING BACK THE 2X2  2003 ©  Don Read

Down town and country roads they roar

The huge and ugly -4x4

The highfalutin, high polluting Chelsea tractor

Oblivious of its fumes extractor

And now I see the bloke next door

Has gone and bought a 4x4

Should I join him-no I’ll wait

Till they produce an 8x8

PAG’S BAG  2002  ©  Don Read

An ode to Paganini (this fits the music by Andrew Lloyd-Webber but he would not give permission for a lyric so it’s a poem !

In 1782 in downtown Genoa

Mamma Paganini had a son, don’t ya knowa

When he was six he was a real virtuoso

He proclaimed, “On violin I am the greatest- only more so”

At eight years old he wrote a nice cantata

For the French he coined the famous Franc Sonata (That’s not strictly true, I made that bit up.)

He was so prolific

Critics said, “He’s terrific”

And his fame spread throughout Italy

Niccolo Paganini, he had a dream

And in that dream he wrote a cute little theme

It was a real mean theme

A theme de la crème

And everybody said he is a gen-i-us

In 1981 a chap with a cello

Played Paganini’s theme and made it sound less mellow

One day he chanced to play the theme to his mother

She said, “You should discuss this with your talented brother”.

And so the Lloyd-Webber boys, Julian and Andrew

Re-arranged the theme and added sounds that were brand new

And they added a beat

And it sounded a treat

And they cried, “Eureka, we have got a hit!”

A man from the television on the south bank

Said I don’t want to Bragg but I’ll be Earnest and Frank ( Well, nothing really rhymes with Melvin)

As a signature tune

It would be quite a boon

And they all shook hands and went off for a pint

Long live Paganini

They re-arranged his theme a teeny weeny

They thought it an improvement

Especially in the first and second movement

So Andy didn’t hesitate or suffer any qualms

The theme had variations by Schuman, Liszt and Brahms

 If they could do it then why shouldn’t he

Paganini’s theme

It’s really a dream

You know what I mean

A theme de la crème

Jazz and Rock fans thought it quite a rave

But some critics said, “That ain’t no way to behave

Paganini would turn in his grave

If he were alive today”

 So go find a little old tune by Chopin, Verdi or Liszt

And if you can, work out a plan

To give that theme a new twist

Then add a really strong beat

That knocks you right off your feet

Add words by some fellow

Like Elvis Costello    (whoever he is)

And like the Lloyd-Webbers you’ll join the elite

ODE TO THE JOB HUNTER Oct 1996 ©Don Read

As I survey the “Sits. Vac” column

I get dismayed and sad and solemn

This one says, “We’re market leaders

In nuclear fast reactor breeders”.

Now here’s a job that might appeal

The hours, of course, are quite unreal

But OTE’s a hundred K

Plus exs. car and perks, they say

It’s I. T. Sat. Coms, CD Roms

Incoms, sitcoms, High Tech diddly om poms

Only high achievers need apply

To join the team in- URUGUAY?

Shaping distant global markets

Hitting ever upward targets

Negotiating at board level

Now that’s a job in which I’d revel

Clinching deals, exchanging contracts

Networking and making contacts

Loyal to the corporate structure

I’d toil until I got a rupture

With my mobile, laptop, fax

I’d synergize their info packs

Or should I try those other bleeders

And flog their fast reactor breeders

 

GILLIAN  2011 ©  Don Read

A very tall woman named Gillian

Played the lottery and won half a million

She said,”I would like

A huge motor bike”

And she steered whilst sat on the pillion

 
SMOOTH OPERA TOR  ©  2002 Don Read The overture is over the action can begin

The curtains part revealing our hero who will sing

With a tale to tell of  treason, greed and  lust and sin

He is Godolfo, the rich landowner’s son

He speculates that he’ll be rich when his father’s life is done

Then he’ll marry Angelina a poor but honest peasant

His family have rejected her as being quite unpleasant

As Godolfo sings and sets the plot on come the sprightly chorus

They’re dressed as gay young peasant folk – they chatter there before us

They huddle in a corner so we can’t hear what they say

Then off they go a –singing to toil in the fields all day.

Count Bottula, a fat and ugly man

Enters stage left singing of his diabolical plan

He’ll thwart  our hero’s chances of  inheriting  his father’s riches

If necessary he will kill - and he quickly hoists up his britches

The wicked Count has got designs on pretty Angelina

“Where is the girl, where can she be, has anybody seen her?”

She enters singing gaily with a basketful of fruit

She sings of her love for Godolfo. He’s the one in the tight fitting suit

The Count whips out  a dagger

and waves it in the air

 He sings as he begins to stagger

 “I’ll kill Godolfo’s dad  then I’ll be a millionaire”.

Godolfo’s father enters, “What is all this commotion?”

The audience is quite perplexed. They haven’t got a notion

The chorus then depart offstage but they come back  quite soon

The leading men are fighting – this could take all afternoon

Count Botulla ‘s in agony and writhing on the stage

He sings that he is dying and he’s really in a rage

Angelina enters trembling and Godolfo holds her tightly

The cast all sing. Take curtain calls.

And they  do all this twice nightly

 

SHORT AND SNAPPY  2011-12

OLGA   ©  Don Read   2007

There once was a Russian called Olga

Who decided to swim down the Volga

At Minsk she said, “I will try a Minsk pie”

She choked now the Olga from Volga’s. no longer

(OK The Volga goes nowhere near Minsk but you try working in the rivers Svislach & Niamiha)

 

POP  ©  Don Read  2011

The day I climbed up Popocatepetl

I was feeling in the  finest of fine fettle

I took plenty supplies

Marmite sandwiches, pork pies (product placement !)

Stuffed in my Aunt Matilda’s proper copper kettle

 

DOG’S DINNER ©  Don Read 2012

I went and bought a little poodle

They said it was a labradoodle

Didn’t bark and well behaved

The breed of dog for which I craved

It lapped up  all my Chicken noodle

And ran off with my Apple Strudel

 
STUPID    14.5.12 ©  Don Read

A feckless young chap called Charlie Mac Cavity

Got drunk and fell over. He said,” It’s just gravity”

He had short life

Left six kids and a wife

Caused a great deal of strife

Through leaving a trail of blatant depravity

 

BOOK TO WRITE 2.5.12  ©  Don Read

I thought I ought to write a book.

Might bring money and good luck

subject matter ? well I’m stuck

Need to have a gripping plot

Got the tools. except one thing that I forgot

Paper, pens and dictionary

Then I really start to worry

Call at book shops round the town

Ask the staff  but many frown

Some laughed and then begin to mock

When I asked to buy a writer’s block

  I LEFT MY HEART IN WOLVERHAMPTON 3.1.06  ©  Don Read 

 I left my heart in Wolverhampton

I left my spleen in Aberdeen

I left my liver and my knees

In Stockton Upon Tees

And my brain on Salisbury Plain – in the rain.

My poor old nose was seen in Wapping

And my teeth in Cowdenbeath

Other bits of me you’ll find in Dover

So you can say that’s me all over


 DAVE’S DINNERS    2005

An invite came from number 10

Dave said won’t you come to dinner

I got a little drunk and told Samantha she looked slimmer

I took off my bi-focals and tripped over Michael Winner

Everything happens to me

 

SOMNABULISM     Don Read  ©  2012 Don Read

I joined a course on somnambulism

And found it very boring

It was very hard to concentrate

And I got ticked off for snoring


THE FANACKERPANS     22.5.12©  Don Read

Mr and Mrs Fanackerpan, 

whose first names were Dan and Jan had a plan

To drive all the way to Turkmenistan where they stayed with Dan’s cousins Fran and Stan

Bought back a souvenir  shaped like a frying pan


DEFECTIVE DETECTIVE       Don Read©  5.6.12

I thought I’d become a detective, a tough Private I, kinda guy

So I changed my name to Sherlock Soams, bought a book on “How To Spy”

I rented a really posh office ,and dreamt of a queue down the hall

I thought I was Humphrey Bogart just waiting for Lauren Bacall

Whilst I popped out for a quick cup of coffee ( shaken not stirred)

A thief stole my personal  credentials,

My big bag of toffee and all my detective’s essentials

My Deer stalker hat, cape, pipe and door mat

Plus twelve of my favourite pencils

Out went my hopes of being James Bond

Clearing up crime on earth and beyond

I abandon all thoughts of detection

My stunning ideas met with rejection

But what would I tell my relations?

They all seemed to have great expectations

They  took it all with “Told you so” grins

Except for two uncles who jumped out of their skins

They thought they’d be meeting Miss Lauren Bacall

If they joined the queue that stretched right down the hall

How could I tell them I’d been to the council  and  got a job emptying bins.

SOME ENCHANTED MORNING 2007

As the day was dawning

I could see you yarning

Across a crowded bed

And somehow I knew

To get close to you

I’d have to climb over your great uncle Fred

Announcement of impending parenthood  28.4.12 © Don Read

No more clues

No more guessing

The time has come for some confessing

We can now end the waiting

And announce, WE’RE INFANTICIPATING !

              Word used in early editions of the New Musical Express


BILLET DOUX  © Don Read  2001

He sent his girl a letter

A little Billet Doux

He said he planned to leave her

She pleaded “Billy don’t”


THE MIRACLE FROM MAYFAIR  © Don Read 11.11.1980

In 1978 I somehow got involved with a company that

 sold domestic goods(Mayfair Products) to the workforce of factories. 

It’s a ninety nine piece indispensible

It’s cheap –and not expensible

No home should be without one so they say

It’s so handy in the garden

It will shout, “I beg your pardon”

As it knocks the children over whilst at play

It’s the wonder of the age

And it’s painted puce and beige

And you win a week in Wigan everytime you sell a set                                         

If you like a country ramble

Or  prefer to take a gamble

It can recommend a bookie and will even place a bet

Well. It’s made in Singapore

Where they don’t know what it’s for

You can take it back  if it should fall apart

The instructions maybe wrong

They were printed in Hong Kong

So you’ll never find the switch to make it start

Every day I can be seen

In a factory canteen

With the kitchen ladies I cause an hiatus

I arrive at half past ten

And the ladies tell me when

I can demonstrate my amazing apparatus

It can give your car a wax

Work out your income tax

It can even calculate your VAT

It makes a noise like Hitler

Send a memo off to Mitra    (company accountants)

And it’s packaged up in multiples of three

It is really labour saving

So handy when you’re shaving

It can wake you up with it’s built in alarm

It comes complete with fuses

An it’s got a million uses

Especially when you strap it to your arm

It will stand a lot wear

It will bounce but never tear

And it self destructs when reaching boiling point

It’s designed by Gordon Bleau

Can be used by him or her

And it guaranteed to burn your Sunday joint

There’s an automatic cut off

Designed to cut your foot off

If you should get entangles in the lead

If the pilot light glows red

Don’t go loose your head

It only means your leg’s begun to bleed

If you play games and you cheat

It will stamp upon you feet

It is programmed to thump those who don’t play fair

With its iridescent dimmer

It really is a winner  

And they’re calling it the Miracle From Mayfair -Boom boom!

END

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